Conflict is a clash of opinions, values, ideas or thoughts. We often hear that in each conflict the truth lies somewhere in-between. It may not feel entirely correct from a personal point of view but it is true that both sides of a conflict are right: each of them defends their own worldview and value system. Although the recognition of the right of both conflictual sides is a step forward, it can easily lead to the impasse: how would one be able to resolve a deadlock if we acknowledge that both sides are right? There is only one way out of stealmate and it lies in the ability and willingness of each side of a conflict to leave the comfort zone of one’s rightness and to undertake a relational transition to a new constructive level.
From conflict to construction
Our understanding of conflict principles and potential ways out of it often come down to a quite common set of beliefs: “If I give up or accept that I am wrong, my adversary will conclude that I am weak” or “If I argue I might get bullied, better to keep it all inside.” Although these two reactions to conflict are seemingly different, in both cases we suppress our true emotions, which consequently may lead to health issues or even some chronic diseases. The question is: Is conflict worth the suffering we willingly or unwillingly impose on ourselves and other people?
What we need is to have a fair and objective look at the impact any given conflict has on us. If we realise that a conflict does us more harm than any good, maybe it is a good moment to change something.
To reconsider your approach to a conflict situation is not an easy task. You need to have some motivation and to see certain positive trade-offs. Try to think about the following points:
Each conflict is a chance for something new: prove yourself in a new way, show your leadership or some other qualities, reconsider your views on some things, etc. Is it worth then holding on to one’s position for the comfort of the ego and imaginary victory at the expense of others?
In the conflict, we begin to realize that we are not in a state of happiness. On the contrary, we feel dejected, depressed, angry and disappointed. It is worth considering that another person might have similar feelings in this situation. That person is suffering too! This understanding turns on our empathy.
Taking care of ourselves and of our inner state, we move to a new level and begin to see that the problem is not in Jane or in Peter; it is in ourselves. We do not yet know how to manage our emotions, or to take responsibility for our emotions. This happens because we don’t know the transition tools and their effect, we don’t know how to see the potential for ourselves in the conflict.
When we, finally, reach an internal state of happiness up to 8-9 points on our 10-point scale, only then we can constructively resolve conflicts and transform them into a qualitatively different type of relationship. At this point we are able to take care of our emotional state and help another person to find ways to interact without concessions and suppression. In other words, we learn to act from a state of understanding of each other's values, respect and importance.
What needs to be done?
First of all, it is necessary to sort out the sphere of your internal conflicts. Take the path of transition from internal conflict to a resource state. Most people live in a state of “I don’t receive what I deserve.” As a result, they are not aware of a possibility of equal happiness. On the contrary, the assumption prevails: “If I make a concession, I won’t have enough.” Subsequently, a person lives a life of emotional shortage.
The only constructive way out is to transform this emotional shortage into life and wealth in abundance, which is enough for everyone. What choice will you make? To live in a state of fear, shame and anger, or to be glad that everyone has enough? A person chooses to “suffer” out of ignorance, but what if you make a choice in favor of happiness right now?
If you are ready to transit from an old negative state to a new and a happy one, the first step you need to make is to recognize that this can be learned and done quickly. The real value here is the work with beliefs. You need to stop thinking in traditional terms: “I won’t be able to change. For 30-40-50 years I have lived like this, it is already too late for me to change things now.” But if you summon your courage and undertake change, this choice will radically transform the vector of your life. What you would need to do for this is a bit of work on yourself, the significance of which cannot be overestimated: ability to take justified risks; build relationships; pull up some of your professional skills, etc. The outcome will be justified.
At this point one might say: “I am already self aware: is it relevant for me?”. And would be right, since many of us already possess a certain level of consciousness and know how to productively overcome conflicts, but there is still space to broaden up the pool of tools and methods one could apply in conflict situations. At Gross Leadership we master these techniques and ready to share them.
We can see any conflict in two different dimensions. One dimension is deeply personal and involves an internal struggle between one part, which wants a change, and another one, which is afraid of any transformations. What we can do here is to transform our negative thoughts into constructive ones: “what can I do to ...?” Thus, the conflict transitions into a resource, a winning state. The same dynamics occurs in interpersonal conflicts. The only workable way out of such conflicts is the transition from a negative perception to a positive one, which leads to the creation of a winning state for both, a win-win situation.
A nice utopia or a workable solution?
We can turn any conflict into a resource if we approach it in a right way. Our brain is so arranged that we cannot simultaneously be in a state of stress and a state of happiness, as one state excludes the other. If a person is not able to transit from a state of stress and enter a state of happiness, it might be a good idea to seek some help.
Anna Gross, the founder of Gross Leadership and a transition specialist chooses individual solutions that help reach a whole new level in all areas of life. Together you create an action plan that will lead to a qualitatively new level in a given area, such as transition to harmony in personal relationships or transition to prosperity in finances. Moreover, we help understand how to harmoniously combine different areas. We help put in order your life at different levels during training sessions, which last in total around 10 hours. The outcomes of our training sessions get fixed on the conscious and unconscious levels by forming new habits that lead to a new result which a person is able to maintain.
After such training sessions, our clients improve their relations with parents, children, within couples, create and scale their business projects, find new jobs or rediscover joy in their current occupation, learn to speak in front of large audiences and live on camera.
The defining value of our work is in its focus on achieving your personal goals in the shortest period of time. If you do not have time for training sessions, we can arrange skype or facetime contact moments. We notice considerable changes in those of our clients who have decided to follow our training sessions in one form or another. Trained to recognise the signs of an upcoming crisis, they confront a challenging situation in an active way, planning how they come out of it. They take their companies to a new level, having the courage and the right mindset.
Want to learn about coaching opportunities for you personally? Leave a request on our website. We can help you. If you have long thought about coaching, now is the right time.
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players…”
(W. Shakespeare, As You Like It)
We believe that each and every one of us is not only a leading actor but first and foremost a writer of our own destiny. Overwhelmed by life events, we may unintentionally forget that we are the sole playwrights of our own lives. We may even unwittingly drop or lose the thread of our unfolding life story. Then, we start questioning ourselves and let others do the writing for us. Doesn’t this happen to all of us occasionally? The best thing we can do is to resume the leadership as soon as we can: only we should write the play of our life!
With the renewed confidence and new skills, we design new perspectives. Coaching and training are the best instruments we use to achieve this goal.
Have you learned something new about the nature of conflict and its constructive resolutions? Do you have some ideas to share on how to ensure meaningful transition from the state of stress and conflict to the state of happiness and harmony?